Raillery

     While looking for some official papers in some drawers I rarely open I found a notebook I used to write poems. We (girls) have all gone through the "writing poems" phase. Either it was early in our teens, or later in our 20somethings. I have to say, I was really bad. No rules where followed, in a really bad basic cheesy way the rhymed though. At least I found a way to put my thoughts into words. I guess it all started there. Translation won't rhyme, I know. I just thought it would be fun to share what my thirteen year-old self thought about love...

July 8, 2004

LOVE

Many people say that love is beautiful,

but for me it has been painful.

Knowing you will never love me,

each day I love you more and more.

The more I try to forget you,

my heart and my mind make me remember you.

Each time I see you my heart flutters

and sometimes I even loose my mind.

I think about you all the time,

even when I am sleeping.

All this pain

for just a love

that has broken my heart.

     Wow. That was a really cheesy way to begin this post. I don't think I remember why I wrote this, but memories from this time come to mind. I must have been on 10th grade. It comes to mind Sean and his blue eyes, those I used to die for so much in middle school. I remember he used to be under the tree every recess wearing all black. He was the reason I started listening to rock and wearing black eye-liner in the first place. I wanted to be seen as cool in his eyes. His smile, even when it wasn't meant for me, could melt me on the inside and make my days better. I would go to sleep every night thinking about how one day he would notice me. My first big crush. I don't remember how long this went on. Maybe two years? See, that's the good thing about keeping diaries. It helps keep memories fresh and intact. If only I would have written a diary back then, the story wouldn't be incomplete...

...

Let's light up the mood!

     Got it? No? Not funny. It kind of was in my head. I would like to think it actually was and you all laughed with me. Please, don't shatter my dreams.

     I have no idea where to start. When I don't write weekly, the time line in my head starts being less of a line and more of a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff. Can I be lazy and put things in a list again? Lists are real easy to make. Maybe while doing it I can remember things that are worth telling details about!

1. Two Friday's ago I went clubbing with K and L (my other roommate). We had a really good time. Missed my Chinese friends at the club. They are always there. It's funny because they can't pronounce my name correctly, so they call me "Walaly" and I've grown fond to it.
2. Found something to tell you details about! You will find those stories after the list you are just reading.
3. The Saturday after clubbing I had my stepsister's birthday. It was a typical teenager party with DJ, balloons, candies and cake. Her dad got me beer and wine since I would be the only 20something there. I had a good time with beer, wine and Drake.
4. Job interview! I've learned that the job you want the less is the job you will get in the end. Life can be cruel like that.
5. Got some good grades on my Mandarin language class. Whoop whoop! :D
6. Flights are booked!! Less than 3 weeks to go.
7. Yeah... I need some adventures soon. I miss being on an airplane and things.

     You know when someone rejects you for whatever reason and you just wish you could randomly meet with them one of those days you are looking flawless? Yeah. That happened to me. It may be (probably is) really immature, but it feels empowering. Even if you know deep down inside they could not care less how you look, the fact that you feel beautiful and he got to see you on your best moments has something that makes you feel so good. I am girly like that sometimes. ... And then he goes and remembers a small detail of something you don't like, does it while telling you "I still remember you don't like this" and all the happiness turns into just wanting to kill him for that. But I will just think about that moment when I did what I wanted to do and I was flawless at it. 

     I don't know if it is because it's late or my life has become pretty boring and someone of a routine since the semester started, but I am out of things to write about. I should try and get out of my room a bit more. Do some yoga or something. It just gets a bit hard when you have so much schoolwork plus other personal things to work with. I also enjoy my alone space and silence (...will fall? I need to stop with the Doctor Who references, I know). It's really loud in the outside world and sometimes we just need to stop, take a deep breath and listen to the silence.

(:  

Advent

My diary

August 28, 2008

     My heart once more has been wounded, and greatly. I am unsure about how it happened, I just know it did. Everything was so unexpected that I didn't have time to react. There was a drastic change out of nowhere that I myself can't seem to understand. After so many words, so many promises, everything was taken away by the wind. To think that for the first time in my life I was going to let go of my dream of... just to be close to him. It's how I've said before: "Apparently I love in a non-existent world full of  unreal people". Everything around me is lies and deceits. My heart has been belittled.  Once he swore it would be different and, yes, maybe it was different. He was the only one who fooled me, leaving my heart to die. It's incredible how I already knew this was going to happen, but he was smooth with his words and achieved to wrap me blindly in his ways. I let myself go and drank from that poison dressed as a special potion. Without the need for it I became a beggar for his love, his words, forgetting how important I actually am. Loneliness jointly with lack of love took me to my own demise. My forces subsided and the feeling of slag entered my life, just because I once again opened the doors to a madness that has no cure: LOVE.

...

     Honestly, today is one of those days I really don't want to write. But I have a goal, and I need to stick to it even when I don't want to.

     This last week... Hmmm... It's funny because I actually don't remember much about this last week. I went to work, watched Netflix and today I went to the beach. It's been two weeks since last time I stayed a whole weekend at my mom's place. Probably I am just getting mentally ready to begin the semester and go more than a month without going back home. It's funny because it's not like my mom lives that far away from me. But when you live in an island with weather as the one we have here, a 45 minute car ride seems like hell.

     I love watching good movies, and even though I try to watch as many as possible, there are some classics I haven't watched. Following the advice of a friend who shares the same interest but in a more deep way, I watched three movies this weekend; Hitchcock's Psycho, A Clockwork Orange, and 12 Angry Man. Each one was great in their own way. I enjoyed 12 Angry Man a lot just because of how one rational person can change someone's thought. 

     So there you have a picture of one of my favorite places on Earth. It's a well known beach in Puerto Rico named Crashboat. During weekdays you can go early and get some peace, sun and clear water. It has a bridge where you can jump off and it's a well known spot for amateur divers. There are also some food stands around where you can get "pinchos" and "frituras", and I think I even saw a pizza place. After noon it gets really crowded and noisy so, once again, get there early.  

     After the beach, we decided to stop in the Guajataca Tunnel in Quebradillas since it was on the way back. It's a really beautiful tunnel besides the beach that was originally used for trains to transport sugar canes across the island. I have to be honest, the place is pretty filthy. But it is gorgeous nonetheless. We walked around and had fun with the view. Then it was time to head back home. Such a long exhausting drive, but totally worth it.

Lastly, some quick points:

1. I got a sprouter and the seeds are sprouting. Yes, I get all excited because of that.

2. Mmmmm... Burritos <3

3. Two more weeks of "summer"!!

4. Someone special (aka my boyfriend) will be visiting soon. So excited! 

5. We painted K's room. Yay for summer projects!

I hope you enjoy what's left of your summer!

(: