Contrite

My diary (translated from Spanish)

August 23, 2006

     What a f***ing sh*t!! I always have to pay for other's sh*t. Mom can not blame me if things are not going as she wants them to. She lashes out on me all the time. First she makes me cry, just to give me what I asked for in the end. It's always the same. Whatever, I have to love her anyways. She is my mom after all.

     Let's begin with the only good things that have happened this week. I started school on Monday and I already get along with everyone. I love the school, and there are some really cute guys. Teacher's are really cool. I never imagined I would be taking a class with one of my old crushes, Sean. He is really fun and treats me nice. The school and those in it are amazing. I would have never imagined I would like it so much!

...

     "Valerie, do you have a minute? I need to talk with you." Words that I've heard twice this week. It doesn't matter who says them, your heart always stops for a second when you hear it. You start going back, blaming yourself for so many things and then ask yourself which of those things are the ones they are blaming you for. Then you hear an apology. You see, I have mixed feelings with apologies. They are necessary for both parties involved. They are not easy, but they help heal and grow. But at the same time it doesn't change what happened or erases the consequences it had. Why wait until you've wronged someone to say sorry? We are humans, and what differences us from other animals is the fact that we can think logically, reason if you must say. Use that head of yours to analyze your future actions, so that way you don't have to atone later.

     This week I went out to drink and dance, better known as "clubbing", with some new friends we made in our last hangout (refer to Boil). They got out of work at 1am, and since in Puerto Rico clubs don't close until 5am or so, my best friend and I decided to take them to our favorite club. My best friend (K from now on) and I don't like to go clubbing that much, but we do have a place we like for when we get the urge. It's a nice, not that fancy, late 20-something place where we know people and have a great time. Before going to the club, we decided to pregame on a small bar near that had cheaper drinks. One of the guys we were with got drunk within the first 2 hours. It was so funny seeing him with his cheeks all pink and eyes half closed (or where they fully closed...? I will never know). He then started saying he wanted to listen to his "jam" which, to our surprise, was Happy by Pharrell. When the song came out he just stood up and started dancing. It was the funniest thing. After that, around 3am, we headed to the club. Our friends have never been there. We were lucky that night; no cover entrance. It was full and the music was not that bad. We danced like no one was watching during what was left of the night. We knew other people there, so the group got bigger and our new friends got to dance with other girls. I got home and the sun was coming up... just to get a drunk call.

     K and I were supposed to go to the beach tomorrow, but apparently that won't be possible. My work got extended through July (yaaay!) and now I have to work tomorrow. But I have Wednesday free, so maybe I'll be able to get my car's A/C fixed and finally go to the Comic book store and get some comics I've been wanting to buy. Since I'm already there, go and visit a few family members I haven't seen since I got back from China. I can see all the questions about my return coming at me. Take a deep breath Valerie...

Other things about this week:

1. K and I went furniture window shopping. We need new things for our new place.

2. We bought some pillows. First thing you do with new pillows? Pillow fight in front of the store. (We are such grown ups)

3. I dreamt I was in Las Vegas. Can I have that now?

4. I love you.  :3

     I forgot to tell you a story about last week. So, all university students out there know what it is to just have $16 in your account, a empty fridge and not knowing when more money will come in. For emergency cases like this, I have a credit card. So my K and I decided to go get some groceries to survive until the next paycheck. We both have the same credit cards, so the plan was to slip the bill and put it on the cards. Because of my cholesterol problems, I can't just go buying whatever cheap thing I find on the stand, I have to go with more healthy things, and sadly healthy equals expensive. We got the basics.. fruits, yogurt, whole wheat pastas, chicken breast, fish and such. Time to pay! Total: $80. Perfect. We take our cards out just to hear "Sorry. We don't accept that credit card." We are talking about a big brand supermarket, how could they not accept it?! So what to do...? We decided to leave out simple snacks and downed the bill to $60. Then proceeded to pay in 3 separate ways. Two cards and dollars. The cashier looked at us in disbelief, to what we replied "Student life. You have to work with what you have."

The struggle people, it is real.

(:

Boil

My Diary (translated from Spanish)
April 28, 2006

     Today can't really be worse. I've been yearning to go to my class' disco party, and no, because of my older brother I won't be able to go. I can't do anything, just think and imagine how would it be like to be there.
     I want to believe this is a nightmare. I can't believe what my mom just did. He let my brother go to the his girlfriend's activity, and didn't even say a word to me. I am sure this is just a bad nightmare and that I will wake up anytime now. Please, wake me up because I can't handle this anymore.

...

As a comment on my dairy: I started reading the first one I ever wrote. I noticed two important things, (1) I wasn't a happy teenager and (2) I talked boys... A LOT. You'll have your chance too see it as I transcribe more of it during my next blogs.

     Yes. It's incredibly hot in Puerto Rico. The weather is killing me. I know I've said "I am a tropical bird. I need heat!", but this is something else. It's like hell has descended upon us. To top it up, my car has no A/C. The day I got back from Beijing, it broke. So even if beach is always and option (and I hate the beach), I still have to drive around 15-20 minutes in the terrible heat to get there, and then drive back home. So it ends up being a worthless effort. September needs to get here a bit... NOPE. I would still choose the heat than going back to class and work. Forget it. Long live the heat!

     As every other person who enjoys drinking, I have my favorite bar where even the bartenders know me. My friends and I usually go there at least once a week to have a beer... or four. Usually Thursday nights are a big deal in the Avenue next to where I live, where the bar is located. Last Thursday one of my friends and I decided to go get one beer. As always, we had more than one beer. Something you should know is that I am a bad dancer. People seem to think that because I come from a Caribbean island I know how to dance. Bad news: I don't. The thing is that night at the bar they had some awesome (by awesome I mean really bad but danceable) music on (G-Dragon, Psy, Beyonce, Drake, Miley, Gaga, Pharrell, salsa and merengue classics) so, after a few beers, my friend and I started dancing. We danced for hours, and noticed there was this cute guy who had been standing in a corner alone all night long. Usually this would be totally creepy and a red flag, but for two drunk people it was just curious. My friend dared me to talk to him, if I did he would buy me a beer and who can say no to that?! (In a friendly matter of course) I went over and it turns out that he was a new student in the university and knew no one so far. So I introduced him to my friend and we had a great time after that. We're close now (this is a saying and not actually a fact). We met some other people that night, but haven't stayed in contact that much.

     Last Monday night was the "Noche de San Juan". A traditional PAGAN (they give a lot of emphasis on this word in the media here) celebration here in Puerto Rico that takes place annually on the night of June 23rd. The idea of this celebration is to go to the beach and throw yourself backwards 12 (everyone says a different number, don't know why) times in the water to clean yourself of bad luck and such. Beaches get really crowded so I decided to just invite some really close friends over to the pool at my mom's. Got some pizza, wine, vodka and sangría; played charades and lost in the most disgraceful way. I like simple gatherings like that. We had an amazing time.

     Apart from those 2 nights, I haven't done much. Just sleep, eat and other Deandra things. Wait... I did start watching House of Cards. Amazing series.

     I almost forgot! I am planning my next trip. I don't have a physical exact bucket list, I usually add things along the way. But there's this one thing I've always wanted to do, and today I found out it's not that expensive or hard to accomplish. It's really simple. I just want to see the Milky Way from Death Valley, CA. Experience what the ancient astronomers could see every night in the sky. Death Valley is just a 2 hour drive from Las Vegas, so I get to get something off my bucket list and have a nice time in a big city too. I am planning to do it on November, since the website of Death Valley says the place is almost empty by that date. Crossing my fingers!

(:

Zilch

"Write it down and smoke it! Just take that sh** and put it into Jerk Island"

"I am actually writing my blog. Writing always makes me feel better."

...

I am trying to get back into posting every Monday. Since I don't have much to do, I think I can do it.

     My friends tell me that reading the blog is like reading my personal diary and, being honest here, who doesn't like to see into someone's personal thoughts? It's really funny because some of them have actually read my teenage years diaries and usually laugh so much. I should start quoting those. It will be fun to share.

     Since I wrote last Friday, I can't say I've done much so far. Father's day was pretty much another normal day with a bit of morning family drama. Soon after noon it was all forgotten which, now that I think about it, is a first. I am impressed.

     Getting back home before I expected has brought minor complications. For someone who doesn't have much to worry about in her life, money can seem like a big problem. I am happy to say I don't have many important big debts, but there are still a few things here and there. Yes, I do have my old work back, but I am just getting really few hours and the library will be closing the whole month of July. Pretty much means I'll be jobless a whole month. Yay (not)! Wish I could get a second temporary job for the summer, but it's too late to get those. So I am guessing I'll be living at my mother's in July to save what little money I have left.

     Lots of things have been going through my mind lately. You see, the more time I spend at my house, the more time I have to think about stuff and the more time my mother has to plant doubt in my head about everything. I know she does this because she cares about me and doesn't want life to surprise me. But I sometimes feel its too much to consider at once. As I told you in the last post, new stage in my life, she doesn't need to overwhelm me with more thoughts and doubts that I already have. I just need to be wise about what I choose to listen and what I choose to just hear.

     On a lighter note, everyone has been making fun of me because I came back with some extra (not much really) pounds in me. But what did I expect when I ate ice cream and cookies every other night in China? I said I would start doing some exercise, but a week has passed and the only exercise I've done is walking to the kitchen. I am pretty sure that if I keep this up, I will die young...

     I miss going to the movies alone. I hope I can get my car back on track tomorrow and just take some time for myself. Clear my head. Plan ahead.

(:

Sunder

"Are you happy? Because that's all that matters." 

 ...

So jet lagged...

This post will take some time to finish. Headaches and other aches are kicking in. I am not happy with this jet lag.

Beijing

     Complications all over the Au Pair program. What the hell, complications since this whole trip started. I should've seen it coming. But I went for it anyways. Never seen myself as a quitter. I will not go into big details about why I am no longer doing the program. It's something a bit personal. But rest assured it wasn't because I couldn't handle the pressure. On the contrary, those last few days things seem to be really looking brighter. Had friends, the family wasn't pushing me around so much, I was pretty much getting used to everything there. But then misunderstandings here, problems there and everything pilled up, making me take the hard decision to head back home. It was not easy. I spent a few nights thinking it through. But in the end it was the wisest thing to do. I did make a fast stop before getting home.

     Saying goodbye to the girls was not easy. The last two days the girls asked me why did I had to leave and if I was coming back after that. They kept hugging me each minute and saying "I live you Valerie" or "I love you my baby". Yes, they had this weird thing where they kept saying I was their baby. I just went with it. The night before the oldest one started crying saying she didn't want me to leave. I've just been there for two and a half week and they were reacting this way. I was impressed.

     The morning of the day I left was a bit more relaxed. Woke up to help with the girls (yes, I decided to work until the last minute), got them ready for school and said goodbye. They both hugged me tight. The oldest started crying again and the host mother took some pictures of the oldest not wanting to let me go (which was a bit too much for my liking). I wont lie here, a tear or two may have came out. Those girls had been just a bundle of love when they were with me, their witticism was so funny. I came to grow affectionate towards them. But there wasn't much I could do, and the goodbyes had to be said.

Seattle & Portland

     Since I was leaving early, I missed him and Seattle was on the way home, we kind of decided I would stop there for a few days. There were no exact plans for the days I would be there, but things turned out better than if there was an actual plan. First night in the USA, and all I could think about was pizza. And so pizza it was. I didn't know how much I missed and loved pizza until then. I had a moment with that pizza that can't compare to any other moment with any other person in the world. So powerful. Food...

     Did a date on Portland. His idea, not mine, which was kind of exciting since in a old post I wrote I wanted to make a date out of a concert without him knowing it and... you understand. Let's just keep going with the story... While I was tempted to say no, he did say yes to me in Chicago, so why couldn't I do the same? This time it was dinner and movies. Dinner was perfect. We had some street cart burritos (Portland is really famous for it's street food. And now I can see why.) and then saw Edge of Tomorrow. It's nice to have someone to share your love for time-travel (sci-fi) movies and things. The movie is really good. Simple, funny, full of action and eye catching. I was fangirling inside.

    Actually... this trip was pretty much a big canned cheese. It was just us two having fun and being total goofballs around Portland, and I don't think you are really interested in that. Lets just say that the stop in Seattle/Portland created some amazing memories and marks a new stage in my life. And this is kind of more than you need/want to know. So, NEXT!

Puerto Rico (home)

     Slept almost 24 hours straight once I got home. The whole Chicago-Beijing-Seattle trip threw my body clock away. I am happy though. I did more than I could have asked for. Even if I couldn't go to South Korea like I wanted, I can't say I had a bad time. For me this past month counts as the whole summer. Even if I don't do much here in Puerto Rico for whatever is left of summer, I will say I had the best summer vacations ever.

     People all over have been impressed that I am back. The common comment is "Hey! Weren't you in another country or something?". I wish I could just reply "well, you see me here now. That pretty much means I am back. Just saying...", but the nicer version of me comes out and I usually say "Yes. I just came back." Then the questions of what happened start. I am lucky to have amazing friends who just help change the subject since they know that's something I don't want to think about. But they keep asking so eventually I've had to say "let's just not talk about that okay?". People...

      What else...? Oh! Once again I feel lucky. I got my old job at the library back. So at least I can make some money while I let my summer pass by. I am seriously considering getting another part time job for the summer. Something simple. Just want to make a bit of extra money and do something with all this free time I have. I'll probably see if I can find something when I go to the mall today.

...

      On side note, I really don't know what to do with the blog now that I am no longer an Au Pair. Should I just continue to use it as a kind of place to let my thoughts about those daily things come out or just let it be until my next adventure? Let me know what you think!

(:

Settling

"Did you sleep well last night? Was it hot?" - HM

"Yes...?" *thinks* Am I supposed to not turn the ac on? Because I do. Every night since they fixed it. There's no way I will sleep with this heat...

...

This post is long overdue, I know.

     What can I say? These past two weeks have not been easy on me. Lots of things have happened, but mainly it's been work. Day after day. Sometimes from 7am to 10pm (on the weekends mainly). The contract says we are supposed to work just 25 hours a week, but none of us do. We all work up to 40 hours. Specially during Holidays or whenever the kids make up some illness to stay at home.

     I want to make something clear, working as an Au Pair in China is no easy job. No one speaks your language except for the kids, they make you work a "flexible" schedule (pretty much means when they need you) instead of the 25hrs by contract, they don't pay your pocket money until the end of the month, you only get one day off during the weekdays and other down points. But I can't say the family has been bad to me. On the contrary, the aunt feeds me all day, she tries to communicate with me, the girls adore me and are sweethearts (as long as the parents are not here), the parents are really nice to me and no one oversteps their boundaries. But that's my case. Some people are not so lucky.

     I started writing some daily things, so I will post here what I had so far. Understand it's not that much since I have to take care of the kids, take Mandarin classes and then study for them. So here's what I got...

Tuesday, May 20

            The girls got sick today, so the host parents decided they should stay at home and rest. This pretty much meant that I had to take care of them all day long. Halfway through the day I was exhausted and the girls didn’t want to play with me anymore. I was out of games and energy. At least the parents were considerate. They got back from work, we all had dinner and then they took the girls away. It was 8pm and I was free. Any normal person would just go to bed. But the girl’s cousin invited me to play basketball, and so I did. Don’t think I am any good at it. It was just nice to finally get out of the house. After we played a bit and I watched him play with others, we went to a coffee place near the house. I was happy to discover it was also a waffle house and besides it there was a hamburger place. Now I will have a place to calm my American cravings near.

Wednesday, May 21

            The host mother told me we would go downtown to the Au Pair agency office today. It was a 45 minute drive with that awkward silence you get when you don’t know the person in the car with you that much. We got there and there was someone waiting for me. Went to the office, met another Au Pair, walked around the place, found a movie theater (yay!), headed back to the office. There I talked with the person in charge of the company. They were genuinely worried about everything that happened these past few days. They asked be about everything. From the food, to the house, the family, the place and how I was feeling. They also gave me a phone with a card to make calls. I am excited to have my own Chinese Beijing phone number. About 12:30 I headed back to the house, but didn’t get here until 17:00. Yes, I got lost in Beijing. The metro is no problem for me. It’s just the same as in Shanghai. But the bus… wow. That’s a whole other thing. They told me “get in 31 bus line” but never told me where the bus stop was. So I walked around, tried to ask, a few people helped get me lost, got in a bus that led nowhere (3 stations north to be exact), had to take the metro again. I gave up, asked a taxi and to my surprise… he didn’t know either. So there I was in the middle of I-don’t-know-where without any internet. Decided to walk until I found a mall. I was hungry and broke, so McDonalds sounded perfect. I hate fast foods, but this was as good as it got there. No one can judge me because of that. After, found a Starbucks, but the internet asked me for some things that I didn’t understand, since it was in Chinese. A nice German soul was sitting besides me and was kind enough to explain when I asked for help. I was so happy to have a Chinese phone number at that moment, because the Wi-Fi required a phone number. I messaged (in WeChat) the girl’s cousin (from now on referred as… Mike) and he sent me the location of his workplace so I could get there and then he would explain. It turns out I was “near” the place. Just a 30min walk. I decided to wait for him to get out of work, got a free coke and headed back home. Girls came back late, so I just had to play with her for 3 hours and then they went to bed.

Friday, May 24

            I woke up with a stomachache, but at the moment I thought it was just the anxiety of the day about to come. Also, I was having a nice dream (I don’t remember what it as about right now), so the alarm made my heart jump. I had my first actual Mandarin class.

(From here on I will write what I remember of this day) Class was hard and fun at the same time. Met another Au Pair, a Swedish girl who I will refer to L from now on. It was funny because the teacher said "Initials and Finitials" instead of finals. But we understood, so we just went on with it. Classes are 3 hours long with a small 15 minute break in the middle. I think the hardest part is having to actually speak in Mandarin. This language is so complicated.

Now I will start jumping around to random memories I have about my stay here.

     My first day off in Beijing (Tuesday, May 27) was actually fun. I was used to using the subway by then. It takes around 2 hours to get from the house to downtown. I went there in the morning, took some language classes to be in the same place as L and then walked around a bit. I knew there was a movie theatre near the office in some big mall. The problem was finding the mall in those streets. I did eventually find it, and just in time to watch X-Men: Days of Future Past. Good movie, nothing too memorable though; so expected. So then I walked my way to the subway, but instead of heading home I decided to stop and have a nice glass of wine at a Irish Pub that I found. Happy hour was on, so I managed to have a big glass for just 32 RMB. I stayed there for about 2 hours. No point in getting home early. The girls would just attack me and won't let me go. I got home around 9pm that night. The girls tried to play with me, but I just went directly to bed. It was nice. 

     I've met other Au Pairs too (not just L). A girl from Finland, a boy from the UK and another girl from... I don't remember. They are all super nice and friendly. I love the fact the we connect so fast over our host kid's stories. We all have something funny or some complain to share with others. Also, it's nice to compare your work, that way you know what's actually normal and what's not. The guy from the UK is really... let's go with funny. He wasn't here for a complete week before he left. Said he was expecting a really rich family that gave him everything, like the first one he had, but it wasn't like that so he decided to go back to his girlfriend. The other girl just told us "It's normal that he's leaving. Everyone leaves the first week. I will not lie to you." That was a nice day. I hate beer, but I even had a beer with them. 

Now that I remember I also had a beer with the HD and Mike.

      Yesterday we went to Summer Palace. Once again I can confirm that this is my favourite place in the world (so far). It's so amazing and so peaceful even with the hundreds of people walking around. From the actual Palace to the lake, it's just perfection. One of the girls started getting a fever while we were there, but the parents practically ignored it and went on with the scheduled boat ride. Then the host mom got a stomachache, so we had to leave faster. You know, stomachaches, way worse than any fever in the world.

     Today is Dragon Boat Festival (Holiday), which pretty much means that the whole family is free. I was expecting a lot of extra work, but to my surprise, I haven't worked that much. In the morning I helped the girls get ready for breakfast, played with them and helped with homework. That took me until noon. After that it's been easy sailing. The girls have been just having simple fun with the family and I even took a nap! I am sure I'll get some more work in the night, but for now I will enjoy this small break of air I get. (I didn't actually get more work. Just like an hour of English time with the smallest girl. She's the easiest to deal with once I've got her attention.)

     I've learned a lot in my Mandarin classes. It's nice that the class is just L and me. That way we have a personalised teacher that helps us in every step of the way. Sometimes it takes us just 1 hour to get the pronunciation right (z,s,c,q and r are the hardest), but she is just so patient wit us. She also taught me how to say "I want a beer" in Mandarin. That will be very helpful. I practice my Mandarin back home with the girls and Mike all the time. They've helped me a lot along the way. I am  so happy to learn a 3rd language.

     A great example of unlucky Au Pairs is my friend L. She got kicked out of her house today. Like "you need to go now. We don't want you here." kind of kicked out. She'll have to sleep in a hotel tonight and then see what she will do. When she asked the company what happened they just said "I have heard so many stories of you, very disappointed. You were rough to the family. No one like you. Including all other people that met you." which came out of nowhere because the other day she told me that the HM told her how much everyone liked her. See, not all of us have good stories to tell. I am glad to be able to say I like my host family so far, and I will miss the girls when I am gone.

     There goes the older girl screaming to her mom again. As I told you, they are a sweetheart when their parents are not here. Once the parents get home, they start screaming and crying to get what they want. They've maybe spoiled them just a little... 

And there goes the mom to scream at the girl in the room. Screaming does nothing if all you do is that, scream. They take no action whatsoever to correct the behaviour. Mike told me the older girl curses at her mom when they are fighting and that she just doesn't do anything. I can't deal with that, so I usually just go away when the fights start. 

I can smell food... bye!